SPARKS IN YOUR MARRIAGE

KEEPING THE SPARK ALIVE IN MARRIAGE

 

 How can Fernando and I keep the spark alive in our marriage after the incredible joy of our wedding?  Well we will always try to keep the relationship spark alive.  I think that we do a lot now that continues to keep the spark alive; after all we have been together for a long time already.  However we are open to any suggestions and new ideas that will keep things exciting.  We both believe that you need to have quality time together alone.  We set aside the same day once a week as our date night.  That doesn’t mean that we go out every week on that day, because it would be very expensive.  But we make a commitment to each other that it is our time and our time only.  Sometimes we get dressed up and go out but many times we just take long walks or picnics or romantic time together with no distractions.  We don’t just sit and watch TV.  We try to have fun and light conversations.  It is our special time and I think that it is important to have that special day to look forward too.  It is like waiting all week for a date.  We never know what we are going to do but we do know that we will be together.

We also leave a lot of love notes for each other.  We started a long time ago with writing a couple of letters on a paper and the other trying to figure out what it means.  These symbols have meant so much to the two of us.  When we want to really say I love you or I’m so excited about this relationship one of us will leave those letters for the other.  Like in an email or on a piece of paper in the house, or a text.  One day I wrote them on the mirror in our bathroom with lipstick. No one would know what they mean, but it has special meaning to us and it ignites a spark every time we see them.  SHMILY and CLWY honey. I think it is time for some new ones.  What do you say hun?

We send a lot of text messages and phone messages to each other throughout the work day just to check in and it is a great feeling especially when you are having a bad day.

We also hold hands all the time, my Mom even made a comment once to us that she never saw anyone holding hands in the car, and that is something that we do everyday.  I consider myself very lucky because I have a very romantic man.  I know a lot of woman that would love to have that and they tell me how lucky I am. Trust me I know how lucky I am for that and that is one of the things that I fell in love with, with Fernando. I tell him that all the time, that I love his surprises and how romantic he is. Seriously he doesn’t even realize it, which makes it all the better.

So hopefully our sparks will deepen as the years go by.  If it seems like some of the joy is slipping away then we will have to step it up!  I think that making time each day for each other is crucial.  We really don’t watch much TV and I think that takes quality time away from any relationship.  We would rather go for a walk or look something up on the computer together and talk about it or play a game at home; we do a lot of that.

  I think that if you take interest in your spouses interests then that will keep the spark for them, and we all know that when our spouses take an interest in our things it makes us women very happy.  Let me give you an example, I love cake decorating and I have taught myself over the years and I am pretty good at it. But I always wanted to take classes and really want to get a pastry chef’s license.  So Fernando offered the other night to go to cake decorating classes with me.  I was like are you kidding you would do that with me I was so damm excited! and bingo the spark was gleaming.  It only takes each one of you to take an interest in things that mean something to the other.  So if things start to sizzle down we will need to take more interest in each other and see where we have been lacking.  I know that I could step it up a notch or two for him. He is always interested in educational things and learning about something with the government or the laws etc.  Me on the other hand when I get home, or have free time, its lets have fun, not him he never gets tired of learning.  So I guess that I could take some time to learn some new things with him also.    

I also believe in getting away for long weekends if you can afford it, hopefully as the years go by we can all put a kitty aside for trips.  I know that will be one of our goals in our marriage is to put some money aside for vacations with each other.  Even if they are inexpensive weekends, but I truly believe that getting away to a place outside of the usual together, always ignites a spark.

So hopefully we will always have spark but if not we will always be trying to find new ways to keep things interesting.  But I will always be a believer that you can never get or give enough I Love You’s or compliments.  They don’t cost anything and they don’t take any effort, so my advice is don’t be stingy with them. They always light up a SPARK!

Here are a few good tips on keeping the spark alive in your marriage and also some web site material that I thought was soooo good!  Looks like we are on the right track because we do a lot of this.

1.   Spend quality time

Even if you can only afford it once a month, go out and spend some time together. There’s no need to make it an extravagant night. Simply going to a local coffee shop and catching up can make for a meaningful experience. Don’t try to do things that will keep you from talking and being together. For example, don’t go to a movie, instead opt for going for a walk or eating dinner together.

2.   Keep in touch

Check in on each other during the day. Sometimes it’s nice to know that your wife or husband is thinking about you. A quick phone call or an email message can go a long way, especially if your spouse is having a long or bad day. Checking in helps your wife or husband know that you care about them, and that they’re on your mind.

3.   Do the unexpected

Surprise your spouse with flowers, a gift, or a night out on the town. Planning something special is an excellent way to infuse romance into your relationship. Sometimes even the smallest surprises can feel like the biggest.

4.   Write a letter

Write a letter to your spouse to let them know how much you appreciate them, writing a thoughtful note to your wife or husband about how much you appreciate him/her can be an extremely meaningful message of love. The same goes for a wife or husband that works full time and has a stressful job. Letting them know how much you appreciate all they do for your family can help re-ignite feelings of closeness and self-worth.

 

• Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage: A Woman’s Guide

 

Making our marriage the number one priority.

by Emuna Braverman

•  ”How can I possibly keep the spark alive?” you ask. “The house is a mess, there are three kids pulling on my dress, spaghetti sauce is boiling over and I don’t know how we’re going to pay the electric bill. Who has time to even think about sparks?”

This common attitude evinces two serious mistakes:

1) that it’s okay to ignore the need for sparks

2) that it takes significant time to generate them and keep them alive.

Of course there’s no time if creating sparks involves a major effort. But it doesn’t need to. It begins with not despairing, with not being resigned to a “spark-less” existence. And with being realistic about how to create them.

If you have young children (in fact, if you have any children at all living at home!) you probably won’t be able to serve elaborate candlelit dinners, but that doesn’t mean you can’t prepare a nice meal. That doesn’t mean you can’t cook your husband’s favorite foods. It’s not either candlelight or macaroni and cheese. Although a simple act, cooking what your husband likes says “I care.” It says “Your needs matter to me.”

If you care about him, you care about what he does.

Being interested in your husband’s day at work can also help keep your marriage vibrant. Maybe you tend to go glassy-eyed hearing about his job. Snap out of it. Sit up straighter. If you care about him, you care about what he does. I remember a number of years ago, I tried to organize a social activity for a group of wives whose husbands all worked for the same institution. When I called one woman to ask her to attend, she was very dismissive. “Why should I come? That’s my husband’s job. It has nothing to do with me.” I beg to differ.

After a long day — at home or elsewhere — everyone likes to get into their most comfortable clothes. But let me make this clear: ratty old sweat suits do NOT help keep the spark alive. Our husbands deserve that we devote at least the same attention (actually more) to our appearance that we do when we join our girlfriends for lunch or another couple for dinner. While a complete change of clothes may not always be possible or practical (especially if we are cooking that nice dinner and we have infants wailing for attention in the background), straightening your hair and freshening your lipstick is.

These small actions say “I’m excited to have you home.” “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you.”

And just as we enjoy receiving compliments (see A Man’s Guide), so do our husbands. They need to know how proud we are of how hard they work, of how responsible they are, of how they make time to learn and grow, of their commitment to us and the children.

While there is clearly room for romantic evenings in every marriage — I certainly don’t want to discourage that — we shouldn’t feel that we have to wait for those rare moments to work on keeping our marriage alive. Or that there aren’t many varied ways of keeping the flame burning. Each couple has to find their unique road.

It doesn’t have to take a lot of effort. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It just has to be consistent and regular. We can’t let the demands of our daily existence overwhelm us to the point where we forget to connect with our husbands. That’s the real secret to keeping the spark alive — making our relationship with our husbands our number one priority. Presumably everyone wants to keep the spark alive in their marriage. Some people may believe it’s not possible. Some people may have given up. Some people may just not know how. But everyone wants it.

So what’s a well-meaning husband to do? The answer is not to whisk your wife away to a private island for a romantic weekend (although that couldn’t hurt). The answer is not to follow the dictates of the advertising industry and drape her in diamonds (although that couldn’t hurt either).

The answer lies in small daily actions and interactions that say “I care,” “You matter to me,” “Your needs and goals and important to me.”

There is definitely a place for romantic gestures — flowers, dinner out, a walk along the beach (the latter having the advantage of being both romantic and free!). But the spark is really kept alive through the ins and outs of your everyday relationship — through easing your wife’s burden, by not taking her for granted, by letting her know how special she is — and how beautiful.

 

• Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage: A Man’s Guide

 

It’s all in the small daily actions and interactions that say “You matter to me.”

by Emuna Braverman

The spark is kept alive by easing your wife’s burden and letting her know how special she is — and how beautiful.

We may mistakenly think that with a houseful of kids, with carpools to drive and mortgages to pay, there is no room for sparks. But this is, fortunately, not true.

While it is true that there is no room for the spoony daydreaming of the newly infatuated (and even they usually have to spend some time working so they can pay the rent!), that is not the only evidence of sparks.

The excitement in a relationship is kept alive through caring about one another, through being interested in one another and through the actions that show it.

When a tired husband takes the time to listen to the details of his wife’s day (number of diapers changed and all), the sparks are rekindled. When he patiently describes his own day just because she wants to know (and even though he’d rather forget about it), the flame is kept burning. When he takes out the garbage because it bothers her, when he watches the kids and says, “You go rest” or better yet, “You go shopping,” the embers continue to glow.

Every expression of love and caring keeps the sparks alive. None are too trivial to hold back from saying, and don’t be stingy with them. Every time you tell your wife you love her, the flame of your marriage burns brighter.

We get confused; we think we need a Hollywood set, designer gowns and sparkling conversation. We look for the perfect setting, the cloudless sky, the moonlit evening.

But believe it or not, sparks can be kindled in the chaos of your family room — in the shared pleasure of your family (even sometimes in the shared frustration), in the shared sense of goals, in the shared creation.

The fire sizzles every time a man tells his wife how much he appreciates who she is, what she has done, and yes, how attractive she is to him. Don’t think your wife doesn’t need hear that; everyone does. No matter how “spiritual” she is.

Jewelry is beautiful but these grand gestures can only occur on rare and special occasions (which, in this economy, seem to be even rarer and more special!). But daily life offers plenty of opportunities to keep your marriage vibrant, opportunities that don’t take a lot of time but may involve the effort of refocusing, of stepping outside our owns needs and desires, of ignoring everyone and everything else that clamors for your attention.

Start with the simple gestures. Every morning, every afternoon, stop what you’re doing (yes, your job can wait a few minutes; no you won’t lose that deal!), call your wife and say “I love you,” “Thank you for everything you do for me.” I promise you, the sparks will stay alive.