COMMUNICATION IN YOUR MARRIAGE

STRATEGIES TO DEPLOY IN A MARRIAGE TO KEEP THE COMMUNICATION GOOD, FREQUENT, AND HEALTHY

Communication holds a relationship together.  True communication involves respect for the other person.  Respect allows you to accept another person’s point of view wholeheartedly; it considers and values your spouse’s perspectives or suggestions.  You should let your partner know that your respect and value for him or her supersedes the specific issue you are discussing.

One strategy that Fernando and I deploy is to set aside one evening a week to spend quality time together, we always have the same evening set aside each week and we do not let anything interfere with this time. We both respect the day each week and make sure that we do not plan anything with anyone else for that time. It is sacred to us and to our relationship.  We look forward to this time every week and when we have a very busy week we know that we will catch up on that day.   I highly recommend every couple to set aside one day or evening a week devoted to just them and spend that time communicating no matter what you decide to do during that time.  This will definitely be something that we will always deploy throughout our marriage. 

Another strategy that we currently deploy and always hope to is that there are three religious shows that we watch on TV. They help us understand each other and help us communicate much better.  Two of them are Christian speakers, one is Charles Stanley and the other is Joel Osteen.  The third speaker is Jimmy and Karen Evans, their show is called Marriage Today.  We love all three of these shows because they have such a powerful message every time we watch them and we feel like we learn so much about relationships and communication.  We even went to Madison Square Garden in New York to an evening with Joel Osteen and it was wonderful.  So we hope to deploy their efforts for the rest of our lives.

For communication to work you need love. Intimate communication may not be worth the effort without love.  Love is critical to the relationship.  Yet alone it is not enough.  If there is love however, and if the relationship is important to you then you must focus on communication.  Only through good, true communication can you realize the joy of love.  Good communication makes love possible, certainly makes it better, and ultimately may be love itself.

A good strategy to deploy and one that we want to continue in our marriage is to try to listen to your spouse, and take interest in his or her situations whether personal or work related.  If one or the other is starting to feel unappreciated, ignored, or any other feeling, then set a time to talk about it and set a timer to hear that person out completely before the other speaks.  Do it as a game handing each other an object or a timer so that they can be the only one speaking at that time and the other needs to listen.  You may not agree 100% or maybe not at all but at least give each other the respect of hearing their point of view, without condemnations or accusations.  Try to work toward a solution instead of insulting or hurting the others feelings.

Another good strategy to deploy is to always try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.  Try to imagine what they are communicating to you if you were in that same situation.  We are strong believers of do one to others as you would have done to you!  You have to listen if you want to be heard.

Lets all face it as much as we would all love to never have a conflict with our spouse we all know realistically that is not going to happen, so it is important to communicate when things settle down and try to explain to each other why you felt the way you did and what you would like to see different the next time. Explain to your partner what you could have done differently and what they could have done differently that may have avoided the conflict, so next time you will be more conscientious of each others feelings. 

Always try to be completely upfront on what you would like to see for expectations of each other.  For ex). What can you be ok with and what can you absolutely not be able to live with.  It is crucial to communicate your expectations right from the beginning.  Then there will not be as many disappointments.  I strongly believe that when people get disappointed with their spouse they usually get hurt and then it can easily spark into a full blown problem.  So I strongly believe understanding each others expectations is crucial for a good healthy marriage.

We also feel that it is imperative to take at least half an hour to an hour each day to check in with each other and take an interest in each others daily events.  This keeps the lines of communication open on a daily basis and ensures that you both are being supportive of what each of you have going on in your lives outside of each other.

In closing I would like to share six ways to help us all communicate better.

1. Listen without countering- Try to hear the other person’s point of view.  Suspend your inner dialogue.
2. Stick to the subject – Make your point without digressing into attacks or accusations.
3. Look inward – What is the motive behind the words you choose to say?  To defend, provoke or communicate?
4. Ask for behavioral change – Bring the conversation back to the everyday world.  What will be different after this discussion?
5. Remember your partner’s trigger points – Then resist the temptation to use them.
6. Remember your own trigger points – Then resist the temptation to react to them. 

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY ALWAYS ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!